The Day Colin Lost His Dignity
The Culpa of the Kalpa
By Caligula Dodge
It all seemed to happen at once, in retrospect.
People could point to many triggers in the previous year, in the
previous decade. But there was no one recognizable event that led to our hero's pissing away his dignity as a man might burn down a barn for insurance money only to find that he mistakenly burnt down an orphanage.
Perhaps the first sign was the nachos. He began eating nachos for every
meal. At pricey restaurants with plutocratic patrons, he would demand
that the chef improvise nachos. Given his stature among maitre des, he
always got what he wanted. But people began whispering that something had gone horriblyawry.
At first they gave him the benefit of the doubt. Time Out ran a spread
on "Hot Nacho Spots" in the trendy backwaters of manhattan. The Times
speculated that nachos may have health or social benefits that only our
hero knew of. When pressed by the usual throng of reporters about his new
diet and his rapidly ballooning sweatpants, Colin simply pointed to his
mouth, made chewing motions and grunted through his lips as if he was giving an answer that was muted by the mass of nacho in his mouth.
He then signed up for innumerble dating services, in a wide variety of
languages and nations. On these, he went by the name Sulla--after the
morally ambiguous roman dictator who was the first roman general to
lead an army against the city of rome.
He hired a team of clerks to manage his subscriptions and to do
background checks on all respondents. Through his connections in the political sphere, he had many of these people audited, humiliated or otherwise hurt by variousgovernmental agencies.
Now when reporters asked him about the nachos, he simply refered to one
of the poor dilapidated people he had damaged because they responded to
his personals ad.
That was when the assassination attempts began. Bullets had to be removed from his ass, neck and unwashed hair at various points. Still, he only retained an aged woman for a bodyguard, he seemed all but invincible
and bragged as much.
Then he disappeared for months. The newspapers ran rumors of his
location, saying his sweatpants had been run up the flag of a pirate ship, or the queen of the britons was holding him captive until he disclosed his
or that he had discovered a passage to the inner earth and was doing
watercolors of the flying saucers that region is famous for. His
bodyguard,who was also his press secretary confirmed all of these from
Those were tense times, the major stock indices, which had ballooned
with our hero's nacho-fueled proportions, suddenly plummeted. Children
abandoned by parents, parents were abandoned altogether. Rains fell for
When he emerged, he was a foot taller and talked with a thick New
accent. His sweatpants were crotchless. At first, the news agencies
out his ever changing genitalia. Then they stopped bothering. He used
word hate in every sentence.
When asked by reporters about his whereabouts during his absence he
he'd hate to answer that question with out_______(some tortured
user) being present. Or else he said that he'd hate it if past
interfered with his being able to get on with the business of being
He began listening to one angsty rock song all the time. The lyrics
insipid and aggravating. The old woman who worked for him carried a
and spare batteries and made sure it was playing wherever he went. Then
began playing with himself in public. Reporters, who'd acquiesced in
matter of his partial nudity, were afraid to ask him about it.
Some times it would just be a casual touch and shake. But sometimes he
get lost in it, and staring at various members of the press corps,
indiscriminately. And as his dignity fell further, his star continued
He was given a guggenheim and several other grants and awards. He put
the money into a big closet in the apartment of an acquaintence, giving
instructions for its use.
The public was happy. They didn't know what to make of our hero's
fascination with and display of his unwashed genitals. But they
that the television and radio wouldn't bother them with such a
unless it was entertaining.
Then Colin began giving a series of press conferences where he would
obscenely and complain about childhoods that were clearly not his own.
At one of these, held in Giants stadium, a heckler threw a bloody slab
steak at him. He took a bite and charged into the stands, showing an
athleticsm rare in a man so obese and was promptly torn to shreds by
Still, months later, some people still remember him.
copyright (c)2001 Caligula Dodge